I Pity the Fool That Don't Listen to the Stars

12/13/2005 5:09:06 PM

Back when I had a much cooler website, I had a script that would allow you to get your horoscope from Mr. T.

Basically, you would select your "sign" and a CGI script would pull out a random horoscope that I, uh I mean Mr. T!, had written.

It was pretty stupid, but amused the hell out of me.

I was digging through some old files and ran across the source file for the random horoscopes.

I put them together for your...listen to the T, or you'll be sorry suckas...

Aries (Ram): March 21–April 19

I see pain, lots of pain ahead for you, sucka. Avoid high places and keep your jibba-jabba to yourself and you may just make it to the 20th anniversary of the A-Team.

Taurus (Bull): April 20–May 20

You got friends in high places that you can use to your advantage today. When your boss goes to lunch, open the back door so Face can sneak in.

Gemini (Twins): May 21–June 20

That damn Murdoch keeps on with his jibba jabba. Shut up, fool, can't you see I'm trying to read the stars? Avoid shellfish today.

Cancer (Crab): June 21–July 22

When I was a boy, my no good daddy left my Mama with 12 kids to raise on only $87 a week. When I found him fifteen years later, he looked happy--until I hurt him. Don't make me hurt you too. Today's a good day to send money to charity.

Leo (Lion): July 23–Aug. 22

That Eddie Murphy is a damned liar. I would never clench up my ass cheeks and rip a dick off. That sucka be asking for pain, lots of pain. Someone close to you is lying, catch them soon or you will be a fool too. Green is your lucky color today.

Virgo (Virgin): Aug. 23–Sept. 22

I remember this one time when I was eating supper with Hannibal-no, not that crazy, white-boy eating cannibal- Colonel Hannibal you fool. I ate a fortune cooking and it said "You are what you eat.", and I say the same thing to you, sucka. You are what you eat, so you must be eating sissy.

Libra (Scales): Sept. 23–Oct. 22

Steer clear of Chinatown today. Those damn crazy triads are acting up again and we gonna bust some heads to make sure they don't burn down Mr. Lee's laundry again.

Scorpio (Scorpion): Oct. 23–Nov. 21

Today, I see that someone is going to spread rumors about you. You ever hear the one about Mr. Stallone? People are saying that he likes to lay down under a glass table and have a girl dookie on the table so he can watch. What kinda crazy fool makes up stories about nice men like Mr. Stallone? Keep your mouth shut today, if you know what's good for you.

Sagittarius (Archer): Nov. 22–Dec. 21

I remember this one time back in the 'Nam. That crazy fool Murdoch was flying us in to a hot LZ. He was shouting at the top of his lungs "Kill all the gooks! Kill all the gooks!" while I blasted those little suckas from above with my 30 caliber. When we landed, it was like God had painted the LZ with buckets of red paint. I see the same thing for you today, except you won't be killing gooks or flying in a hot LZ.

Capricorn (Goat): Dec. 22–Jan. 19

Shut up, Murdoch! That crazy whiteboy keeps talking about trashbags. What's that fool want with trashbags? I see plastic bags and lime in your future.

Aquarius (Water Bearer): Jan. 20–Feb. 18

These crazy fools keep drugging me and putting me on planes and I wake up disoriented and in a new city. For some reason, everytime I wake up, I feel all greasy around my backside. Why's Face smiling so much? Damn fool. I see you taking a long trip soon.

Pisces (Fish): Feb. 19–March 20

I once asked Hannibal, "If we're some of the most wanted criminals in America, why don't we just move to Canada or Mexico to avoid the Army?" Hannibal told me, "Shut your pie-hole, Sergeant!" Take my advice, fool, don't ask any dumb questions today or you'll be sorry.

Comments

- 12/14/2005 1:12:24 AM

virgos can't get a break, can we?

- 12/14/2005 12:48:08 PM

It's all in good fun. The other signs didn't exactly get glowing horoscopes either.

- 12/15/2005 8:38:35 PM

Someone close to me is lying...hmmm...wonder who it is?

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