Diary of a Fat Man

Why is it so hard to be honest?  I’m talking about 100% honesty, not the reasonable facsimile that most people want.  I think it’s because true honesty HURTS and true honesty is uncomfortable and true honesty takes a kind of courage that virtually no one has.

When I first started this blog, one of the things that I hoped to do was capture my true feelings about my life and also how things were going with my diet. I’ve been somewhat successful with it, but there are a lot of things that I hold back because I’m not being truly honest.

There are things that I’d like to talk about but I don’t have the courage to do so.  The “wrong” people might see it and be hurt (or worse, cause trouble for ME).  In the grand scheme of things, these things aren’t that big of a deal (it’s not like I’m leading a secret, double life as a trans-gendered English Professor or something—or am I?), but they are things that I think give insight into my mind and how I view with the world. 

The question is, are these things REALLY relevant to understanding me or are they just lurid details that I’m exploiting to try to keep you interested in my pathetic life?

Because that’s the whole point of this exercise: keeping you interested.  I could lie and say that I’d still write this drivel if no one was coming to the blog, but that would be a crock.  One of the first things I do when I get to work is pull up Spaces and check my comments and then check my stats (I finally surpassed the 10,000 hit mark when I was out with the flu—yay me!).  My ego gets a thrill when I see a comment from someone that tells me that they enjoyed one of my stories or that they laughed when they read something that I wrote.  I’m a bald, fat guy who’s been married for ten years…I take my thrills where I can get them.  I could lock down the site and make it private, but that would limit the number of people that could bask in my glory.

PLUS, I still would have concerns about what I wrote because I genuinely value what y’all think of me.  I remember several months ago getting drunk and writing an entry with parts that I was iffy about (even while shit-faced).  What prompted me to edit out the offending section of the entry was a one word comment from Kit Deluca (“Charming”).  Snip—it was gone.

Is there a secret to being able to do this?  Do people just not CARE what other’s think of them, or do they just suck up the discomfort and deal with it?

People that hate Howard Stern think that people who like Howard Stern only do because he’s vulgar and talks about sex and lesbians and retards.  I like Howard Stern because he’s honest.  He says what’s on his mind.  He asks the uncomfortable questions that no one really wants to answer but that everyone REALLY wants to know.  I think that’s what sets him apart from other people who try to emulate him like Tom Leykis and Bubba the Love Sponge.  Those guys are funny some of the time, but their rhetoric gets old and tired because they’re one trick ponies (ass and outrage).  Howard Stern is refreshing because he’s more than tits and ass: he’s honest and he tries to get his guests to be honest too.  I’d like to have Howard’s honesty (and his cash), but I don’t think I have the balls to do it.

That said, the following section may or may not make it into the blog.  If it does, it may or may not stay there past a few hours:

I’m still thinking this one over…