Diary of a Fat Man

 

 

Chloe will be five in November.  Chloe is obsessed with anything related to dogs, her blankets, and harrassing Evan.  If we allowed it, she would eat NO meals and subsist solely on snacks and candy.

 

This is Evan:

 

 

Evan is eight and just started 3rd grade a few days ago.  Evan is obsessed with anything relating to Star Wars, Yugi-Oh, and bodily functions.  If we allowed it, he would do absolutely NO work around the house because he is Lazy (yes, that is lazy with a capital L); and yes, he is a chip off the old block.

 

All parents say this, but my kids ARE brilliant.  Maybe 'cuz there dad is a member of Mensa (it's taken me MONTHS to find a way to work that in :P), maybe because their Mom is a teacher (and she's pretty sharp her damnself).  The other day, I was trying to get the kids in the car so that I could take them to my mother-in-laws house in the morning.  While waiting for me to unlock her door, I noticed Chloe was quickly scribbling something on to the dew built up on the window (it took her like 2-3 seconds).  It looked like gibberish to me, so I thought nothing of it.  When we were in the car, I turned around to buckle her into the seat and glanced at the window.  She wrote her name on the outside of the window BACKWARDS , so that she could see her name correctly on the window from the inside. 

 

Another example of Chloe's vast intellect is her total domination of the family in a game called Mancala (follow the link to see what the game is all about).  The game is fairly basic and I think pretty much any four year old could grasp the mechanics of the game, however, Chloe is a fucking STRATEGIC MASTER of the game and beats the shit out of us on a pretty consistent basis.  She thinks ahead several moves before executing and anticipates what you're going to do.  I seriously need to teach the girl to play some chess so that I can retire on all the money she'll rake in :)

 

Evan was the first sign that all the drugs I did in my earlier days didn't permanently damage my sperm.  He was such a pretty baby from the second he was ripped from Laurie's womb (bad visual).  When he as 18 months/two years old (somewhere in the neighborhood) he started playing computer games, could navigate his way around the computer better than Laurie, knew his alphabet, and was speaking in complete, logical, and mature sentences.  At five, he could tell you the capital of every state and tell you a state based on just it's shape.  After taking his standardized tests last year, it was like a fricking college recruitment drive with all of the Magnet schools sending us letters trying to get him to enroll in their school.  Another 98%'r.  It was pretty sweet.

 

One of the coolest things about my kids is that they have fantastic sense of humors (sounded weird pluralizing "sense" so I pluralized "humor").  Evan is the king of creating jokes that play on words, the one that comes to mind first is "What song would Ricky Martin sing if he worked in a coffee shop?"  Answer: "Living la Vida Mocha".  Not to be outdone, Chloe likes to create her own jokes (although less sophisticated, they still crack me up).  "What did the wind say to the doe?" Answer: "Window" and then she laughs so hard that her face turns red.

 

Although they both come from the same DNA quagmire and have many similarities, it's funny that in some aspects that are polar opposites.  Chloe loves sports and is VERY good at pretty much any physical activity she tries (soccer, swimming, riding bikes, baseball); Evan plays on sports teams to get his trophy and we have to pretty much force him to go.  Evan is eight and prefers to have a light on until he falls asleep; Chloe wants it pitch frickin dark in her room.  Evan is friendly to new folks and can talk up a storm to pretty much anyone; Chloe HATES strangers and pretty much everyone else too (other than our immediate family) and would probably rather cut your heart out than talk to you).  Cue music: What a crazy pair!

 

There are three people in the world that I would die, or kill for, without any hesitation at all.  Chloe and Evan are two of them.  The other, of course, is Kate Winslet.  Just kidding, honey.  The other is my wife, Laurie.  I'll post more on her another day.