Diary of a Fat Man

Furry Balls Bouncing on Your Chin

3/3/2007 12:45:57 PM
A quick bit of errata to my last post:  Destroying the innocence of BOTH of my kids.
 
Thursday morning, I'm having this insanely great sex dream about Laurie (again, how pathetic is it that I only have sex dreams about my wife?  Fucking stupid monogomous subconsciousness) and I awake with a start as in my dream the kids come busting in the room complaining about the fact that the Tooth Fairy forgot to leave money.  Again. 
 
I hop out of bed and push my erection to the side so that I can actually see the alarm clock.  It's 6:00am and I forgot to take Chloe's tooth and replace it with filthy lucre.
 
I sucessfully snag the toothbox, tread carefully into the kitchen to get rid of the tooth, and slide the box under Chloe's pillow.  As my hands finally slip back out of the pillow, Chloe rolls over and says, "Daddy, what are you doing?"  Mother fucker.  I lie quickly, "I'm just check to see if your head is still hot."  Success!
 
Laurie calls me at 9am to say that Chloe told her that she knows that I'm the Tooth Fairy because she was awake the whole time and saw me take the tooth AND put the money in.  She also clued Evan in as well before telling Laurie.
 
I'm thinking that Chloe's going to figure out the whole Santa thing before Evan.  She's such a little fucking cynic.

Comments

mao inhibitors - 3/4/2007 1:56:23 PM
evan will rue the day his 'little sister' taught him the truth about santa claus. he'd better not become a bad boy like his dad; i don't know if he'd survive a night at the skate park telling stories like that......
 
you have sex dreams about your wife? awwww... that's sweet! so do i. hmm.... perhaps this explains why you keep showing up in them. like, remember the one where we're outside in the garage and she's wearing your tool belt and a couple of muffin-tin pasties and i've got that bike lock tied around my hips and you barge in, looking for your cordless? man, i swear i locked that door...... anyway, that one was fun.
 
and remember the one where i couldn't get your robe belt straightened out after she got it all knotted up tying me up to the bedpost and you were supposed to be in the shower, but you burst into the bedroom looking for something to dry off in? that was fun....
 
hope you're feeling better. you guys are breathing in too much recycled air. i recommend unemployment. it does wonders for your health, and the shelters are full of interesting hurricane survivors this time of year.
mao inhibitors - 3/4/2007 11:10:42 PM
i actually didn't read this correctly the first time: i thought that they burst into the room and awoke you mid-dream (well, the gross thing about the erection was doubtless an embellishment...) and you had convinced them to go back to bed resulting in chloe feigning sleep while you attempted mission impossible. as implausible as getting them back to sleep would be, i didn't question this interpretation.
 
the really implausible part is your awakening from your dream just as chloe was reaching under her pillow to check for her much-anticipated booty. not only is this unthinkable; it's entirely likey. parenting has completely converted me from secular humanism to wicca (sorry, southern christian types). i have a frequent flyer account at the psychic hotline, coincidence theory was tossed out with yesterday's beer cans and i've converted my entire wardrobe to menopausal purple in order to usher in the divine forces of nature guiding my way. okay, not so much with the purple or the menopause, but.......
 
actually, kids wake up kind of early........
Meemes M - 3/8/2007 1:46:27 PM
awwwwww....that sucks!  getting caught is the worst...well the tooth fairy anyways.  good that you have sex dreams about your wife!  i hope my man only dreams of me...but i highly doubt that! -lol...take care..
amy
mao inhibitors - 3/9/2007 4:03:07 AM
yeah; texas........
ng tch ng tch ng tch ng tch
i expect you waiting for me at DFW with ten gallon hat, four quarts of hair spray, a pound of eye liner and some mofo chaps, size 18, all up in this piece.
oh.... and don't forget the xanax.
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