Diary of a Fat Man

Why is my life so difficult?  Why can't I control this beast within myself?  Why is Ben & Jerry's so fucking good that I'd trade my kids for another nibble?

 

I've reached the breaking point...the one in my jeans where if I eat anything else my pants will actually break.  I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror last week before getting in the shower and I just disgusted myself.  I'm back up to my pre-pre-Weight Watchers weight (or I was as of last Sunday--I'm down about six pounds from that already), none of my clothes are fitting well (yes, even my XXL).  I catch myself breathing hard doing ANYTHING.  The last straw was when I was throwing a fuck onto the old wife and I had to struggle to kiss her during the act because my fucking buddha belly was getting in the way. 

 

 

So, I've started yet another diet, but it really isn't a diet, but it really is.  Confused?

 

Last weekend, Laurie bought this book and I read it.  What I liked about this book is that it explains the underlying physiological reasons as to why you overeat or crave certain foods and how to combat it.  Unlike Dr. Phil (who I think is a total fucking tool), this guy is an ACTUAL Doctor!  Medical school and everything!  I've adopted the principals of the book and so far I'm doing pretty good.  I've lasted longer on this than on anything else in the last two years.  With the exception of a quasi-bad meal last night, I've been hitting pretty close to my food goals all week.  I say quasi-bad because I split a bread pudding with Laurie (it was indescribably delicious).  If you live in the Dallas area, you have to go to Fish City Grill.  I don't know if it was because I was super hunger (we didn't eat until about 8:30), but that was probably the 2nd best seafood meal I've ever had (the first being a hole in the wall place in Mississippi this summer while driving to Florida).

 

My basal metabolic rate is about 3500 calories a day.  This means if I do absolutely nothing different, my body uses 3500 calories a day just being Chris.  Hey, it's a tough job, sweetie.  If I want to lose weight, I need to keep my caloric intake lower than 3500 calories a day.  How will I do that, you ask with baited breath?  Let me show you, bitch.

 

I've set certain nutritional goals for myself using stuff I've read in the book and other crap on the web.  Here's a breakdown of what I'm trying to hit:

Laurie freaked when I told her how much fat I was supposed to eat, but that really is the right amount.  So far, the ONLY night I hit that goal is when I ate that bread pudding last night.  The majority of the fat I've been eating this week has come from nuts (hehehe, he said 'come from nuts').  I eat about 1/4 to 1/2 a cup of raw, mixed nuts a day (1/4 cup about 20 minutes before dinner--another 1/4 cup as a snack some days in the morning).  I bought flaxseed oil, but I haven't used it on anything yet.   So the goal is to get the bulk of your fat from omega 3s or flaxseed oil or olive oil or fish, etc.  Those fats help clean your arteries, lower your cholesterol, and improve brain function.

 

With the carbs, the goal is to eat complex carbohydrates that are broken down by your body into sugar instead of eating sugars directly.  So, pretty much nothing that has sugar, corn syrup, etc in the first three ingredients.  I've stopped adding sugar to my oatmeal in the morning (I've changed to steel cut oats, which are frickin' great) and just put fruit in it.  100% whole wheat breads (which is trickier than it sounds--just because it says 100% wheat bread or Whole Wheat bread, doesn't mean it is 100% Whole Wheat).  Lots of vegatables.  Nothing with bleached flour.  100% whole wheat pasta, brown rice, etc.  I can also eat a little dark chocolate a day, but I keep forgetting I've got it up in the pantry.

 

I'm pretty much giving up red meat (although it's only been a week), but we didn't eat much of that anyway.  About the only red meat we ate was hamburger and we've been doing turkey burgers pretty much exclusively for the past couple of months after we found this bad ass recipe that has sun-dried tomatoes and pine nuts (hehe, he said 'nuts' again) in the burgers.  I've been eating a lot of boneless, skinless chicken.  I've also gone back to making egg whites omelettes (which is actually just two egg whites and one whole egg--it's only 100 calories and 4 grams of fat for the whole thing) and I've switched to cage-free, grain feed brown eggs (uhm, the CHICKENS are cage free and feed grain, not the eggs).  Not only are they better for you (and the chicken that laid them) they just taste better too.

 

For my veggies, I've also been trying to buy organic as much as possible.  But I use the non-organic produce codes when I check out.  Is that wrong? (of course, I'm kidding--but I do do that [hehe, he said 'doodoo'] with avocados)

 

I'm supposed to only drink two diet cokes a day, but come on...I've given up recreational drugs, drinking to excess, cigarettes, dipping Skoal, real tea, real Cokes, and inserting gerbils into my anus; I'm not cutting out the Coke Zeroes.  I KNOW caffeine is bad for me.  I KNOW that excess aspartame is converted to formaldehyde in your intestines.  I don't give a fuck.  I've cut down to about six a day, so that will have to be good enough.

 

I keep track of all this at Sparkpeople.com, which is a kick-ass site.  You can track your food, nutrients, and exercise.  There are thousands of recipes.  It creates meal plans and shopping lists.  There are tons of forums if you want to commiserate with other fat fucks out there.  It makes this shit a lot easier.  Here's my page, where you can see all my shiznit.  What's with me and using mugshots for my internet profiles?  Beats me, but the one over there is my second favorite.  The first, of course, being the one here (who, for the sake of some of those who don't know, is Pee Wee Herman after he got arrested for bustin' out his playhouse in a movie theater).

 

I'm also trying to walk 30 minutes a day.  Wednesday it was raining too much, so I rode an exercise bike for 27 minutes.  Talk about brutal.  I'm hoping that I can work back up to running those 2 miles every day, but I'm not close to getting there yet.

 

So wish me luck.  I'm afraid that if I don't take action now, I'll probably be typing my blog from hell in about ten years.